And so we plow on
This is the point in the new year in which the rosy colored outlook begins to fade, the snow in city streets turns to a thick black crud (at least in parts that have snow...) and everyone is left with the knowledge that new years resolutions are more difficult to attend to than previously anticipated.
In short, it is the slump that everyone must get over. I myself have been relatively busy trying to reconcile my emotions in a long distance relationship; the tricky thing about long distance relationships is that usually one person is better at it than the other. One person coasts along in their life, oblivious to the change while the other spends their nights crying. And if said crying person should mention it to the well-adjusted Other, well, as you can imagine, there will be a lot of understandable "that's not my problem" type language. Understandable, unavoidable, and all the while, not very helpful. And yet, if the two truly love each other, they plow through, sometimes in a roller-coaster of ups and downs set off by the other (just as the cryer turns into the well-adjusted, the well-adjusted is convinced to become the cryer, and the cycle continues).
From this post, you might think that only a fool would willingly enter into a long-distance relationship. Especially knowing that a great deal of significant others cheat, using the long distance as a veil to hide their infidelity. You don't have to lack trust in your significant other for that to be uncomfortable. In fact, you can fully trust your Other, but still, knowing that never helps... and believe me, there is no hiding from that.
So why do people enter into long distance relationships? Well, I don't think love is a choice. Cheating certainly is, and so are many other negatives, but love itself can never really be decided upon or ignored. The cryer must be content with his tears, knowing that they are for his distant love; and the well-adjusted just has to be patient with the cryer.
So why the diatribe? Well, for starters, its a way for me to increase content, which has been admittedly slow on the blog. Secondly, I have made two things my New Year's Resolution (besides obviously surviving until 'long-distance' changes to 'close-quarters'): 1) to be more disciplined in my craft, which inevitably means more writing. It also means more personal writing, writing that is important to me. I guess you can take it or leave it, I guess. And 2) I hope to become more organized, which I hope includes a weekly blog-entry. I want every hour of my life to be planned, not so I can stick to a stiff schedule, but so I can be prepared for life's little surprises.
Am I overwhelmed with the implications of these two resolutions, especially after the admittedly difficult long-distance relationship? Yes. Especially knowing that I have to abide by the resolutions while adjusting to living in a new space, learning a new job, and being completely on my own for the first time. Ironically, my significant other has the adjustment of being surrounded in her dorm, a first for her as well... still though, I'd be lying if I didn't say I was not a bit jealous, nervous, apprehensive, jittery about the distance between her and I. Anything can happen, or so I'm told constantly. I cannot control her environment, and while that doesn't sound like a big deal, her environment has always been my environment, and human beings need a controlled environment to thrive. I am trying desperately to keep myself included in her life, which means included in her environment. But its hard to feel included when you have no ability to manipulate, change, or even leave a mark in the environment, for better or worse. Its a sad, lonely, scary world out there, but not without its rewards. Like the feeling of knowing that my honesty and integrity remains intact, that while she cannot see me, she still knows everything about me... that feeling is only possible with a clean conscience.
Am I airing out my dirty laundry, much to the chagrin of readers? Probably. But as you can also probably tell by language, I am telling a story that needs to be told, the story of a lonely writer waiting for his love to return home from a med-school on a tiny island, an island filled with good students, bad students, loyal significant others, cheaters, lizards, goats... and one lady who is very important to me.
Barf if you will. It had to come out. In terms of my purpose, part of it is catharsis. Another part is because I have noticed a decided slant in my writing, a keen eye on the emotional core of things. I am interested in emotion and reason, the links between them, how they relate to the human existence. I notice this as I toy with the emotions of my characters, playing their heart-strings like a harp, toying with them not out of any malevolence (though I can be quite cruel to them) but with a desire to see what these creations of mine can do, how they can sing their pain... I'm reminded of one of my favourite lyrics: "Can I give you my pain/ to feel? To be aged in a life by conscience" (Mudvayne, Lost and Found: Choices).
In short, it is the slump that everyone must get over. I myself have been relatively busy trying to reconcile my emotions in a long distance relationship; the tricky thing about long distance relationships is that usually one person is better at it than the other. One person coasts along in their life, oblivious to the change while the other spends their nights crying. And if said crying person should mention it to the well-adjusted Other, well, as you can imagine, there will be a lot of understandable "that's not my problem" type language. Understandable, unavoidable, and all the while, not very helpful. And yet, if the two truly love each other, they plow through, sometimes in a roller-coaster of ups and downs set off by the other (just as the cryer turns into the well-adjusted, the well-adjusted is convinced to become the cryer, and the cycle continues).
From this post, you might think that only a fool would willingly enter into a long-distance relationship. Especially knowing that a great deal of significant others cheat, using the long distance as a veil to hide their infidelity. You don't have to lack trust in your significant other for that to be uncomfortable. In fact, you can fully trust your Other, but still, knowing that never helps... and believe me, there is no hiding from that.
So why do people enter into long distance relationships? Well, I don't think love is a choice. Cheating certainly is, and so are many other negatives, but love itself can never really be decided upon or ignored. The cryer must be content with his tears, knowing that they are for his distant love; and the well-adjusted just has to be patient with the cryer.
So why the diatribe? Well, for starters, its a way for me to increase content, which has been admittedly slow on the blog. Secondly, I have made two things my New Year's Resolution (besides obviously surviving until 'long-distance' changes to 'close-quarters'): 1) to be more disciplined in my craft, which inevitably means more writing. It also means more personal writing, writing that is important to me. I guess you can take it or leave it, I guess. And 2) I hope to become more organized, which I hope includes a weekly blog-entry. I want every hour of my life to be planned, not so I can stick to a stiff schedule, but so I can be prepared for life's little surprises.
Am I overwhelmed with the implications of these two resolutions, especially after the admittedly difficult long-distance relationship? Yes. Especially knowing that I have to abide by the resolutions while adjusting to living in a new space, learning a new job, and being completely on my own for the first time. Ironically, my significant other has the adjustment of being surrounded in her dorm, a first for her as well... still though, I'd be lying if I didn't say I was not a bit jealous, nervous, apprehensive, jittery about the distance between her and I. Anything can happen, or so I'm told constantly. I cannot control her environment, and while that doesn't sound like a big deal, her environment has always been my environment, and human beings need a controlled environment to thrive. I am trying desperately to keep myself included in her life, which means included in her environment. But its hard to feel included when you have no ability to manipulate, change, or even leave a mark in the environment, for better or worse. Its a sad, lonely, scary world out there, but not without its rewards. Like the feeling of knowing that my honesty and integrity remains intact, that while she cannot see me, she still knows everything about me... that feeling is only possible with a clean conscience.
Am I airing out my dirty laundry, much to the chagrin of readers? Probably. But as you can also probably tell by language, I am telling a story that needs to be told, the story of a lonely writer waiting for his love to return home from a med-school on a tiny island, an island filled with good students, bad students, loyal significant others, cheaters, lizards, goats... and one lady who is very important to me.
Barf if you will. It had to come out. In terms of my purpose, part of it is catharsis. Another part is because I have noticed a decided slant in my writing, a keen eye on the emotional core of things. I am interested in emotion and reason, the links between them, how they relate to the human existence. I notice this as I toy with the emotions of my characters, playing their heart-strings like a harp, toying with them not out of any malevolence (though I can be quite cruel to them) but with a desire to see what these creations of mine can do, how they can sing their pain... I'm reminded of one of my favourite lyrics: "Can I give you my pain/ to feel? To be aged in a life by conscience" (Mudvayne, Lost and Found: Choices).
posted by Shannon | 7:27 AM
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