Well frig...

Although I have not posted on this blog in awhile, I feel the need to express a few general thoughts. Call these thoughts existential angst, too much time on my hands, or what have you, but when I feel the need to write, I rarely deny myself the chance.

I feel a lot of my depression coming back. I decided to go off my pills for awhile to see what happens when it comes back, which may have been a bad decision. Then again, I'm self-medicated on pills that probably aren't half as medicated as I actually require, so its hard to say whether they truly make a difference or not.

The truth of it is, I like the stuff that comes out of me when I'm... well, to put it bluntly, completely and utterly self-destructive. I'm not sure why, I just find that my metaphoric palette is a lot more complex and sophisticated when I struggle to go through each day.

I am reminded of an X-Files episode in which Mulder reflects to Scully that he wishes he had a peg-leg. His reason: a person with a disability goes through life as a hero overcoming his or her obstacles; but without a disability, it is not enough just to exist, not enough merely to stand.

Nietzsche, of course, would have disagreed with this comment-- he felt it most respectable and most difficult to prove to the world that one could make a stand. But regardless of his semantics, I cannot help but agree more fully with my dear friend, Fox.

I suppose this is why I am in love with the concept of monsters and demons. The thought that there is something that wants to drag me down is incentive enough to rise up to the occasion. Without this demonic influence, I wake up wondering what is the point of even trying, of existing.

Perhaps I just think too much....